[ life:revisited 2010 + 1 ]

Had one of those moments last night. I don't know how many people have had these moments, but here's how they go: You just feel like you are walking this line. On one side of the line, everything you are used to, everything that is comfortable. One the other side, the unknown, the possibilities, the possible failures. Basically, its like this. What truly matters in a man's life? What defines him? What makes him not only a man, but someone real? I had this conversation with myself last night, what started as a mental note to strangle my boss to death next time I actually get near him, ended up with me really doing some soul hide-and-seek last night. I wondered if I had done everything wrong.

That burned.

I wondered if I should even be in Information Technology at all, if my problems at my job were not because my boss sucked, but because I was not able to adapt to his management style. Why didn't I try harder in school? Why did I do so many drugs? Has it really cost me my future? What have I lost, and when did I lose it? I mean there are so many people on this little rock hurtling around the giant nuclear fire at the center of our galaxy. Someone has to have had this same conversation. Someone who since they were small, thought they were meant for greatness, not just in the professional world, but in the world as a whole. I'm not even sure what greatness is, it just isn't this. The horrible truth is people fail all the time, people lose, but for the first time last night, I actually contemplated a scary fact. Was I one of those failures? Am I and all of my goals doomed to mediocrity?

Wish I knew. Wish I had an answer for myself. I am not, and at the same time I am whole-heartedly, a religious person. I talked to God last night, I am sure of it. He didn't talk back, because that is what makes those conversations/prayers great. Whenever you have issues like this, your friends try hard to make you feel better. But those attempts are usually in vain. Because nothing they say can truly make you feel better. God however sits in silence, and that, in your minds eye is everything you need to hear. So I guess things are about as ok as they can be after your mind gets in one of those self-emptying moods. I call them self-emptying because you empty the box of your mind on the table, and try to sort through all of its contents, looking for what you think you are missing, the one missing piece of the puzzle that you think will lead to the epiphany that defines you. But that doesn't happen, you are just left with more questions. Nothing ever fits back in the box the same way, so things are forever different in your mind. More uncovered questions. Would a new job really change things? Would going back to school actually change anything? I wish I was a philosopher-king, because then I would have the direction and drive to accomplish all that I think I am capable of. Lets face it, we are all adults here, and there cannot be a world full of astronauts, some people have to wade through others shit. So am I just learning my place? Or should I fight what place I have been pigeon-holed into? I just hope I don't wake up some morning, and all of a sudden I am 40, and still doing this. I think so many people have fallen into complacency with their lives just because it comfortable, and it pays the bills. This brings us full circle, for those of you that already haven't navigated away to YahooGames, to my beginning statements. I leave now to sleep, and hopefully to dream.

"Like the sharp edge of a razor, the sages say, is the path. Narrow it is, and difficult to tread."

Yep, I can finally say I have had a day off. 1st one in 3 months, but better late than never, right? Well, bitching and moaning about my job (and boss) aside, today was filled with CSI, machine rebuilds(mine), data recovery(for a good friend), and hopefully some Star Wars before the night is over (I'm thinking Empire, or maybe Ep. 4, but I dunno), and then I get to start the week over again, but this week is going to be different. I'm sure you are already on the edge of your seat asking why, so...

Its going to be different because the drill sergeant is out of the office this week.

AND he will be in a very limited cell/email communication area.
Oh glorious day.

Yep, so I will finally be able to support people without being scolded like a child when I don't know the answer to a problem right on the spot. So, 4 days of wonderfulness incoming, after a long weekend of seeing my best buddies and getting hammered. Not too shabby kids, not too shabby. But, I do what all people do when you see good stuff coming your way. Instead of thinking of the greatness this week brings, I am thinking about the week when the boss comes back. Why you ask? Because I'm human, and pessimistic. And I'm sure that week will be full of criticism and grammatically horrible emails filled to the brim with what I did wrong last week. So looks like I had better pick up some scotch when the paycheck clears. But that is next week, so I need to live it up this week, break out the maraccas and conga in the server room.

Well, I am gonna close this one up with a request from my loyal readers. I am really jonesing for some new, good movies. Theater, rent, download, whatever, just give me some suggestions for some good flicks. Enjoy. :)

Yep. Just in case you didn't know.

Well.

Here I am questioning my alcoholism level, as I nurse a glass of Chicago's finest merlot, and I review my life's choices. Anger vs. Calm. Etc., Etc., For the first time, I think that I am starting to change. Yes. This change is just like the post before. But before you worry, its a bit of a change. Its a change, but different. As a friend once said to me, every man is a moon; they have a dark side they hope no one sees. Well, for a time there, the dark side seemed to be the predominate side. Its hard to really refuse the dark side, everyone knows that. Shit, ask Anakin Skywalker. Everyone knows its easier to be angry and be the angel of revenge, than to forgive, and be the angel of mercy. Not a whole lot of people have the talent of being merciful, and forgiving the shortcomings of others that infuriate us. That is the definition of Grace. And some of my friends do have that. Which brings me to the point.

Maybe I do have mental issues. It is certainly possible. But tonight, even before I decided to partake in alcohol, I was thankful for my life. Yep. Just like Freddy Mercury, I realized that everyone is under pressure. And here is the point kids, so get the pens and paper ready, as I know you have sitting next to you as you read this (maybe you have the local phone book, flipped open to mental health providers instead, for me, but I digress). But here is the holy grail, fountain of youth, and excalibur for me.

I'm not crazy.

Yep. You heard it here first.

I may have some anger issues, but upon true reflection, everyone has an issue they are trying to deal with, and that makes me no difference. I made a big deal of myself, for whatever reason. I no longer believe I am as alone as I thought. I am an individual, for sure, I am different, without saying. But in being unique, I have realized that uniqueness is a relative term, because the unique do not always realize that there are others there that are similar, that may have more experience on the subject. Let alone books, movies, anime, and other stimuli that may help me understand the term 'unique'. So I guess that means that I am on the road to life. The road to recovery. The road to understanding. Maybe its age, maybe its divine intervention. Whatever it may be, things are-a changin. Yeah, sometimes I hate my job with the fire of a thousand supernovas, but I'm not the only one, and POOF! I just finally found something out about my situation.

I found out how to deal. Deal with myself that is. :)

So, without further ado, I leave you with this:
I love my life, I love my girlfriend, and I wish you....my kind of success.

Being crazy isn't all that bad, you just deal. Just like many of you, who I know are crazy, you are just better than me at dealing. Oh, and I love my friends too. :) And to anyone who thinks I don't think of you, think again. Crazy people think wayyyy to much. Heh. And finally, I wish you....

Good luck, and good night.

Yeah. I couldn't think of any other title to give this post. No flashy pictures, no angry epithets. I guess this is just where I focus when I need to escape. When I need to just break free of the restraints that we all know so well. So far this week, I have heard some ridiculous things. Running the gamut, is mainly the world ending, and a large million dollar law firm worrying about 3 phone calls. But those are both out of my control, now. I actually want my reader to close their eyes, and breathe for a second. Breathe deeply.

Let go. I mean it.

Just close your eyes, and try to concentrate.

Let the outside world fade for just a second.

Now, try to remember a time when you were physically exhausted. I mean every part of your body was sore. Hold that feeling. Now, the thing about the body being sore, is that it regenerates, it needs that exercise, in order to grow stronger. Now, clear that thought, and think about the last time you were mentally exhausted. Hard day at work, wherever and whatever you were doing, you are burnt. Can't think straight, you are just mentally drained. Same goes for the brain, the only way you learn are those hard days, the ones that tax you the most, the ones that bring you to your mental limits, and after, your intellectualism grows from that experience. But here is the rub, here is why I write. Remember the last time you were spiritually exhausted. Break up with a loved one, a death, etc.. You soul is not like a muscle, or a nerve cell. I feel, you only have a certain amount of emotional bad karma and events that can happen, before you become someone else, or change who you are. Your soul changes, it is a pliable object that can be influenced much easier than you think. But, your soul is a tough nut to crack, and actually in older societies and older generations, that nut was even harder, because they were bred and raised that way. Now, it seems that every day is a battle, your psyche the battlefield, your weapons are your resolve and your positive emotion, your attackers are the ones that wish to bring you to your emotional end, along with your physical and intellectual, because as soon as the soul is gone, the other two are cake. Two undefended towers that under that might and that strain, they fall like dominoes.

The reason I write this, is because I am sensing a change in the winds for me. I think all my bad karma, wrongdoings, and horrible, evil thoughts have finally caught up with me. They sit outside my apartment even now, and plan my demise. I just feel like I am changing from the upholder of morality and all that is good, to something else. Even now, as I sit with my small armada of cocktails, I know there is nothing that can save me, nothing can save you from who you truly are. Maybe I was this person all along, and everything from then 'till now was just a facade, and now after a few months of physical, mental, and emotional stress, the shield has finally breached. There was a time when the future for me was something that I woke and embraced, now, it is something that causes an uneasy apprehension in me. Don't interpret me incorrectly: I love my Amanda, and I love my friends. But is it wrong to think that they cannot save me?

I use to take things on faith. I mean scary, zealot like faith. Walking in traffic, seeing how many horrible, damning things I could hurl at myself, and I would still come out smelling of roses and Drakkar. Now is not the case. I use to wake up in the morning and be reborn, the events of yesterday were there, and I could address them accordingly, with restraint and intellect, and find solutions for the issues. Now, my mind is clouded, like the Lake I live so close to. Clouded with doubt and anger, with despair and hate. I don't really know who else to tell, except this God we all call the Internet now. To all of you that have read this, and who have EVER, EVER, felt true evil course thru their veins, felt its pulse, I just want to know that I am not slowly going insane. Because there are times when I feel the floodgates of my rage are being held at bay by the smallest of threads. I know this thread is my faith. Not necessarily my faith in God, but my all encompassing faith that there is some good left hidden in this world, and that it is not time to release the lock yet. Maybe I am crazy, and to all who read this, if you wish to distance yourself from someone whom you thought was a normal, sane human being, I will not fault you for it. So I guess this is it. And this end is so much like everything I encounter now. Pressing, important questions, without any true answers in sight.

-DarkstaR

So I have had some funny times in Wrigleyville/Chicago/IL/the world as I know it. Some have been funny ha-ha, others funny-strange. Recently especially, and I know I have effectively jinxed myself, but oh well, I'm sure that will just add more shenanigans to my life. So here we go. My job, well, my boss and I didn't(still may not) really get along, because he made me feel like an idiot, and didn't ever seem to pay me on time. That coupled with crazy commutes, made me start sending the old res' around for a new occupation. But now, I have a company Blackberry, laptop, and now he is joking with me and being cool. All this seemingly without any change from me. Now I may be speaking too soon, and he may go back to being the raging dickhead he was when I first started, but I think I am finally on his good side, because hey, who doesn't love me? :) Also, this past week, me and the girrly were walking down the street, skipping and singing, dropping daisies from our pockets(aka walking back from Walgreens with Milk, Drano, and mouthwash in the sweltering heat), and some crazy crackhead walking down the street with a backpack and no shirt gets like right in my face and stares at me. So naturally, I just get in his face and glare right back, and not move. He then bolts off around me, laughing and talking again. After we started walking again I thought for a moment, for those who have seen me in one of my "Destroy all humans" modes after drinking a fifth of Jack with a Jaegerbomb chaser, what I would have done in that situation if I had been knocking a few back. So then I was in the middle of that thought process, thinking what I would have used to cut up the body parts so Gil Grissom wouldn't be knocking on my door, and I stopped, and I was very proud of myself. Why you ask? Because of my behavior. I didn't decide to paint the street with this poor man's blood, yet I did not back down and showed no fear. I smiled internally, and I mentally put the bandsaw away. Hopefully the dude did get hit by a car later or something. This was a pleasant change for me. Maybe this means I am finally out of the stupid drunk stage I had run into so many times before. Or maybe I was just lucky that time. Just goes to show you, that sometimes chaos just happens right in front of you, like some type of controlled expolosion of the odd and uneasy. Its kind of like that feeling you get when you see a car accident. Its that worried about the people/scared just because/thankful its not you dropping feeling feeling in your stomach. And we need that from time to time, just to keep us honest. Well thats about it, time to get in the shower, and see what downtown wants to show me today. Maybe that lady singing about her drug habits in front of Wendy's, trying to sell free newspapers will be singing something different.

[Insert witty and/or poignant comment here]

[Laughter]

Yep, I was wrong, someone call Guinness. I was actually incorrect about something, and it was because I didn't listen to my gut. I'll get to that in a sec. Things have been going.....interestingly at the job, just because I learn so much about complete support/consulting every second. Like today, for example. When I showed up, there was nothing, and darkness covered the face of the deep. But I said "Let there be network." And there was network, and I saw that it was fucked up at first, and I needed to fix it, but after that, I saw that it was good. So I created hosts on that network, and configured them so they could see eachother and my network, and I saw that was also good. So the short of it is, I actually created something that multiple people will rely on for their business, and it fucking works. Pretty neat. That's what makes this job stressful, because between me and the bosses, we are the ones that are the support. Thats it, other than some technical reps for other companies. So the people I work with are pretty damn smart, and I thought I was a wizz kid. That was the first thing I was wrong about.

The second thing, and the most important, was that I wasn't going to enjoy the city. I finally found, when I was walking down Fullerton to my bank, that I knew where I was going, and I knew where I was in the world. Not like I had some personal epiphany, I just saw a map in my mind's eye, and I knew where I was, and where I was going. That was neat, and also this past weekend I saw John Digweed at Crobar. It was truly the best set I have ever heard, and that is a lot. James Lauer and Chloe Harris, they were all just fucking on, and they tore the house down. But my point is, that I actually enjoy this city now. I get it, and I am not leaving, its way to fucking cool. So thats about it for this post, I am crazy busy, but I will try to post more often. TO all my fans, I love ya. :P

Yep, the move to Chicago is complete, we are nestled in our cool 1 bed flat, which happens to be a block from Wrigley, and I start work tomorrow. It blows my mind how busy this city is. I haven't moved anywhere in 8 years, and getting used to certain aspects of the city is going to be hard. For example, driving into the city at 8pm on a Saturday night, when a huge outdoor festival is happening next friggin door and I have to drive for 2 hours to find parking. That burned. And this city can be a big money sink as well, but every place I have gone so far has been fun, and my stereotype of people being aggressive and angry are somewhat unfounded. In fact, everyone I have ran into has been extremely nice to me, so that is a shock.

The most interesting part of city life so far is Public Transportation. You can get anywhere by combination of bus, el, and on foot. The CTA must have rocket scientists on call 24 hours a day, and it can get complicated, but its frigging amazing. It's weird never really having to use a car very much, when all my life I am used to having a car. Its just....different. I haven't had much time even in this week off to actually explore the city, just because of trying to get utilities taken care of, old bills, DMV trips, blah blah blah, that I have been looking forward just to relax in the apartment for a few hours about now. There is also an abundance of crazy shops and places to eat and explore, and they are all pretty damn delicious. And the nightlife is outstanding, anywhere you wanna go is here. Wanna go sit in the shadows at a local pub? Done. Wanna go listen to DJ A, and then want to kill the people that mess with her sound levels? Done. Wanna go see some frat-tastic action and have some beer poured on ya? Done. :) So all in all I am optimistic, and I think that this place will begin to grow on me as soon as I can grow a sense of direction and find good parking :) More to come, trust me.