01 August 2006

Space.

Yeah. I couldn't think of any other title to give this post. No flashy pictures, no angry epithets. I guess this is just where I focus when I need to escape. When I need to just break free of the restraints that we all know so well. So far this week, I have heard some ridiculous things. Running the gamut, is mainly the world ending, and a large million dollar law firm worrying about 3 phone calls. But those are both out of my control, now. I actually want my reader to close their eyes, and breathe for a second. Breathe deeply.

Let go. I mean it.

Just close your eyes, and try to concentrate.

Let the outside world fade for just a second.

Now, try to remember a time when you were physically exhausted. I mean every part of your body was sore. Hold that feeling. Now, the thing about the body being sore, is that it regenerates, it needs that exercise, in order to grow stronger. Now, clear that thought, and think about the last time you were mentally exhausted. Hard day at work, wherever and whatever you were doing, you are burnt. Can't think straight, you are just mentally drained. Same goes for the brain, the only way you learn are those hard days, the ones that tax you the most, the ones that bring you to your mental limits, and after, your intellectualism grows from that experience. But here is the rub, here is why I write. Remember the last time you were spiritually exhausted. Break up with a loved one, a death, etc.. You soul is not like a muscle, or a nerve cell. I feel, you only have a certain amount of emotional bad karma and events that can happen, before you become someone else, or change who you are. Your soul changes, it is a pliable object that can be influenced much easier than you think. But, your soul is a tough nut to crack, and actually in older societies and older generations, that nut was even harder, because they were bred and raised that way. Now, it seems that every day is a battle, your psyche the battlefield, your weapons are your resolve and your positive emotion, your attackers are the ones that wish to bring you to your emotional end, along with your physical and intellectual, because as soon as the soul is gone, the other two are cake. Two undefended towers that under that might and that strain, they fall like dominoes.

The reason I write this, is because I am sensing a change in the winds for me. I think all my bad karma, wrongdoings, and horrible, evil thoughts have finally caught up with me. They sit outside my apartment even now, and plan my demise. I just feel like I am changing from the upholder of morality and all that is good, to something else. Even now, as I sit with my small armada of cocktails, I know there is nothing that can save me, nothing can save you from who you truly are. Maybe I was this person all along, and everything from then 'till now was just a facade, and now after a few months of physical, mental, and emotional stress, the shield has finally breached. There was a time when the future for me was something that I woke and embraced, now, it is something that causes an uneasy apprehension in me. Don't interpret me incorrectly: I love my Amanda, and I love my friends. But is it wrong to think that they cannot save me?

I use to take things on faith. I mean scary, zealot like faith. Walking in traffic, seeing how many horrible, damning things I could hurl at myself, and I would still come out smelling of roses and Drakkar. Now is not the case. I use to wake up in the morning and be reborn, the events of yesterday were there, and I could address them accordingly, with restraint and intellect, and find solutions for the issues. Now, my mind is clouded, like the Lake I live so close to. Clouded with doubt and anger, with despair and hate. I don't really know who else to tell, except this God we all call the Internet now. To all of you that have read this, and who have EVER, EVER, felt true evil course thru their veins, felt its pulse, I just want to know that I am not slowly going insane. Because there are times when I feel the floodgates of my rage are being held at bay by the smallest of threads. I know this thread is my faith. Not necessarily my faith in God, but my all encompassing faith that there is some good left hidden in this world, and that it is not time to release the lock yet. Maybe I am crazy, and to all who read this, if you wish to distance yourself from someone whom you thought was a normal, sane human being, I will not fault you for it. So I guess this is it. And this end is so much like everything I encounter now. Pressing, important questions, without any true answers in sight.

-DarkstaR

3 comments:

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  1. Distance ourselves from you is not something anyone of us would ever do. I'm pretty sure I can speak for everyone you sent this link to. I commend you on your understandings of the uncontrollables. You are starting to see that not everything reflects your doings. However, I will and do advise you to not feel that darker days are at your morning door. It is only the premonition that gives these thoughts true definition. In other words, if you think it's there, it is there. If you truly don't want it to be there, it won't be. You are not crazy, only stricken with the eyes and knowledge to diagnose things that most turn the cheek to. So, in turn, use that power and identity not to show force but to understand the hierarchy that is your mind. Use that strentgh to be who you are and don't look back.

  2. I second that. Oh and somedays the lake is clear. :)

  3. As someone much older than you, I pass on words of wisdom from someone much older than me, THIS IS LIFE AND THIS IS ITS CHALLENGE. It was Winston Churchill that said "Success in life is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm." I have that on my fridge and look to it for inspiration often. Through other studies I have also come to understand that people are NOT inherently evil, and that there is always a CHOICE to be a certain way, whether one realizes that or not. Choose goodness,and like energy will come your way. Continue choosing goodness and be someone others always look up to, especially in dark times. Yeah there's evil out there, but it needs to be there so that you may have a reference for that which you are not. Choose brother. That's the way Karma works.