[ life:revisited 2010 + 1 ]

Yep, lots of lemons right now. Time to catch up on some fucking.

That's right bitch, read one. I need to. I feel if I watch too much tv, play too much WoW, or hang out on the interwebz too much, I feel like my insides are slowly pickling with collective stupidity that seems to plague commercial society. I need to really get the drive or discipline to start reading more again. The last good book I read, I was so enthralled by it, I am still trying to walk over to my desk, pick up the following book, and open it. That is how unmotivated I am. 


Most times, you get home from work, and you don't even want to look at another damn computer or piece of technology again for another 10 hours, but what do we do? We hop on Digg, WoW, HuffingtonPost, RedTube, etc.. and continue to bathe in the cool azure light of our LCD screens. I am not above this, in fact I am worst at it, since I will just stare at forums and emails all day, thinking they will morph into something magical, like some type of Bill Gates Unicorn or something. 


I would like to say that after I wrote this drivel, and sent an email saying I have posted on this blog (because I am a closet attention whore), that after I hit Enter, I got up, made an Earl Grey tea, and began reading some tome of knowledge while smoking a pipe.


Give you one guess what I did.

Its comical really, the more you think about a thing, the more you can draw similarities from inanimate or external objects that are metaphors for your own life. Take this picture of the earth. Crust, mantle and core. Sometimes I feel like my skin is the crust and my muscles and organs the mantle, keeping the core from ripping to the surface in a volcanic apocalypse.

I used to have a horrible temper. I wouldn't jump right into violence, but it usually wasn't far behind, especially if alcohol or some other diversion was around. But, as you get older, maybe not wiser;just more tired, these outbursts are more easily contained. I have been thinking about this as of late, of how I can take things (idiots harassing me, people being generally barbaric and completely ignorant everywhere I look) and not go supernova, it has to be apathy.

The realization of current events. Just knowing that things aren't going to change, people are just completely off kilter. Those harsh realizations are part of true adulthood. But I think its also as you get older, you stop trying to change that which cannot be changed. You start to ignore the things that bother you. The nagging and retarded co-workers and clients, the spousal insanity that all marriages harbor in spades, watching the news, reading news on the web, seeing how far the human race has fallen into decadence and ignorance. These things, just a few years ago, would place me on a bar stool with a small group around me, listening to me rant about how we have brought about our own demise, and possibly all of our legacy as a species will vanish like mist burning off the morning sea.

Now, for reasons I can't explain, there is a flip. I will begin down that road, and something will distract me. My wife, my dog, some retarded text from a friend, a funny cat picture, etc.. When that happens, the feeling doesn't go away, it just feels....less important. Like it just moves to the background, and vanishes back into the depths of my thoughts. I guess I should be thankful...

But I'm not sure I am.

So, my first day unemployed. It started like any normal productive-ish day, only sans wife. The dog and I cleaned, did some dishes and laundry, enjoyed the nice, temperate western suburb weather. You, know, bonding. It was right after lunch, and my 7th episode of The Dresden Files on the Netflix stream to my PS3 that I had a wonderful idea.

How about I go buy some beer and/or whiskey.

However there are key parts of this epic poem I have left out. Firstly, and only partially, that I am.....

 FUCKING UNEMPLOYED. BY MY OWN CHOICE. WHY AM I BUYING LIBATIONS WHEN I SHOULD WORRY ABOUT THE BILLS?


I'll come back to that. Well, maybe I wont. The second thing is that I am wearing ratty ass old shorts, a sleeveless spandex shirt, and the equivalent of Crocs for my foray into the outdoors. Thirdly, I have basically cleaned and been productive for 45 mins, the other 4 hours were spent on the couch, then my wife when she came home made mac and cheese. So I have done little more than an overactive sloth for my first day, and I am contemplating purchasing alcohol. So I do what every responsible, unemployed, married man would do.

I bought beer AND whiskey. I would have bought some Norcos too, but they don't sell them OTC at Meijer.

So I went home and proceeded to get hammered, and that is about where I am right now, at 8:05pm, first day of unemployment. I also have an interview scheduled for tomorrow too. I am confident about my chances, and I also like to challenge myself by throwing a possible hangover in the mix. Why, you damn fool, you ask? Not really sure, but it sounded like fun.

Well, back to my binder, and quite possibly a few hour long stint with Fett in WoW. Be still my heart, maybe I should just ride this unemployment shit into the ground.

Yeah, and I'm a Chinese jet pilot.

[ Déjà vu (pronounced /ˈdeɪʒɑː ˈvuː/); "already seen"; also called paramnesia, from Greek παρα "para," "near, against, contrary to" + μνήμη "mnēmē," "memory") or promnesia, is the experience of feeling sure that one has witnessed or experienced a new situation previously (an individual feels as though an event has already happened or has happened in the recent past), although the exact circumstances of the previous encounter are uncertain. ]


So. Another post about starting over. I have had this feeling I have written about this shit before. As I languish, sick, in the house with the dog on the couch, and stare out into the bleak, rainy Western Suburb afternoon, I can't help but think that life is basically pattern recognition. Some freaking insane waveform that we get a glimpse of, or a feeling of, whenever we seem to be doing the right thing. I have quit another job, possibly starting another job closer to home, and I can't help but feel that humans are all just doing the same shit over and over and different times with varying responses. It's hard to crawl out of bed when you already have this feeling, like you already know the dialog, you know the dramatis personae, and all the situations that you have went through before. I think thats why I am able to read people and deal with things the way I do, because I can recognize patterns and peoples "tells" very easily. At the same time, I think I wear my heart on my sleeve wayyyy to much, and most of the time it ends up biting me right in the hindquarters. 


I am wondering if humans can every really break this pattern, or even if its possible to change it? I mean what if the pattern IS life in general? I mean life is basically just a method of reproducing itself, and trying to keep the most desirable traits in play. But how can we keep desirable traits in play if we keep doing the same shit? I mean I might be starting a new job, but it just feels like I have done this before, for similar reasons, in a previous time. I mean maybe I'm wrong, maybe I am just a little hungover, and I am looking at the world in the wrong way.


But it still feels like I've done this before.

My brain currently feels like a bowl of Cheerios.

Well, I am officially taking the plunge, as in moving out of the city COMPLETELY. I am already located somewhere in the wild western burbs, but the time has come to quit my soul-strangling job, cut my commute by 90%, and see if I can't regain some of the sanity the previous job has taken from me. As you might have noticed, in my long-ass tenure as a "blogger", that i have had a long and decorated career of jobs that I have hated. I am completely content that a new job will be similar, but at least when I leave work at night, I will not have to sit on a train for hours next to smelly people who talk on cellphone like they are on the shitter alone. Wish me luck, O' faithful readers!

P.S. If you don't get my blog's title, clicky clicky here and turn up your speakerboxxxx, dawg.

So I was on the Metra going to my crib, and shit, dawg, and like I was jamming out to some phat tunes on Pandora on my Blackberry. And shit.


So I have some pretty kick ass headphones, and I can jack up the volume pretty high, so I was having a great time, let me tell you. Then, for some reason Pandora decided to just start playing the song I was jamming out to at max volume out of the speakerphone on the Blackberry. 


The picture you see is what happened next.


Well, not really, it was more like a bunch of middle-aged businessmen and women looking at me with disdain, as if to say "What is the strange noise that has begun playing on my quaint train ride?" Cue me frantically trying to pause the music (which failed) and unplug and plug in my headphones (which failed the first time, then worked the second time) I sheepishly said "Sorry", and resumed my jam session in private. The picture is what happened in my mind, just somehow hoping this would turn into the most awesome music video in the world ever. But, alas, no strobe lights or hot rave chicks in wifebeaters getting all sweaty. No drugs either. :(


Well, at least tomorrow is Friday. Yay.

mood: pretty damn tired
beverage: ice water
weapon of choice: G4TV


There are not a whole lot of things on this earth better than pure, mind-numbing relaxation. Usually for me, during the work week, this will involve the television show Cops. I think the best thing about this show, other than car chases, fucking morons, and arrogant law enforcement, is the "Grass is Greener" factor. Right now, my job is tough, money is tight, and I am not going to get enough sleep. However, by the grace of God and my own intelligence, I am not being thrown on the grown while wearing MC Hammerpants, a wifebeater, 1 sock, while trying to jump a fence that is obviously wayyyyy too tall for any normal human to ascend. Its almost subconsicous I think, but watching other people that are worse off then you, most of them by their own decisions, I think it just makes a mundane day that much sweeter.

Does that make me an asshole? Maybe, but I'm not going to jail for meth. I'll take being the asshole.
Night all. :)