[ life:revisited 2010 + 1 ]

Yep. Just in case you didn't know.

Well.

Here I am questioning my alcoholism level, as I nurse a glass of Chicago's finest merlot, and I review my life's choices. Anger vs. Calm. Etc., Etc., For the first time, I think that I am starting to change. Yes. This change is just like the post before. But before you worry, its a bit of a change. Its a change, but different. As a friend once said to me, every man is a moon; they have a dark side they hope no one sees. Well, for a time there, the dark side seemed to be the predominate side. Its hard to really refuse the dark side, everyone knows that. Shit, ask Anakin Skywalker. Everyone knows its easier to be angry and be the angel of revenge, than to forgive, and be the angel of mercy. Not a whole lot of people have the talent of being merciful, and forgiving the shortcomings of others that infuriate us. That is the definition of Grace. And some of my friends do have that. Which brings me to the point.

Maybe I do have mental issues. It is certainly possible. But tonight, even before I decided to partake in alcohol, I was thankful for my life. Yep. Just like Freddy Mercury, I realized that everyone is under pressure. And here is the point kids, so get the pens and paper ready, as I know you have sitting next to you as you read this (maybe you have the local phone book, flipped open to mental health providers instead, for me, but I digress). But here is the holy grail, fountain of youth, and excalibur for me.

I'm not crazy.

Yep. You heard it here first.

I may have some anger issues, but upon true reflection, everyone has an issue they are trying to deal with, and that makes me no difference. I made a big deal of myself, for whatever reason. I no longer believe I am as alone as I thought. I am an individual, for sure, I am different, without saying. But in being unique, I have realized that uniqueness is a relative term, because the unique do not always realize that there are others there that are similar, that may have more experience on the subject. Let alone books, movies, anime, and other stimuli that may help me understand the term 'unique'. So I guess that means that I am on the road to life. The road to recovery. The road to understanding. Maybe its age, maybe its divine intervention. Whatever it may be, things are-a changin. Yeah, sometimes I hate my job with the fire of a thousand supernovas, but I'm not the only one, and POOF! I just finally found something out about my situation.

I found out how to deal. Deal with myself that is. :)

So, without further ado, I leave you with this:
I love my life, I love my girlfriend, and I wish you....my kind of success.

Being crazy isn't all that bad, you just deal. Just like many of you, who I know are crazy, you are just better than me at dealing. Oh, and I love my friends too. :) And to anyone who thinks I don't think of you, think again. Crazy people think wayyyy to much. Heh. And finally, I wish you....

Good luck, and good night.

Yeah. I couldn't think of any other title to give this post. No flashy pictures, no angry epithets. I guess this is just where I focus when I need to escape. When I need to just break free of the restraints that we all know so well. So far this week, I have heard some ridiculous things. Running the gamut, is mainly the world ending, and a large million dollar law firm worrying about 3 phone calls. But those are both out of my control, now. I actually want my reader to close their eyes, and breathe for a second. Breathe deeply.

Let go. I mean it.

Just close your eyes, and try to concentrate.

Let the outside world fade for just a second.

Now, try to remember a time when you were physically exhausted. I mean every part of your body was sore. Hold that feeling. Now, the thing about the body being sore, is that it regenerates, it needs that exercise, in order to grow stronger. Now, clear that thought, and think about the last time you were mentally exhausted. Hard day at work, wherever and whatever you were doing, you are burnt. Can't think straight, you are just mentally drained. Same goes for the brain, the only way you learn are those hard days, the ones that tax you the most, the ones that bring you to your mental limits, and after, your intellectualism grows from that experience. But here is the rub, here is why I write. Remember the last time you were spiritually exhausted. Break up with a loved one, a death, etc.. You soul is not like a muscle, or a nerve cell. I feel, you only have a certain amount of emotional bad karma and events that can happen, before you become someone else, or change who you are. Your soul changes, it is a pliable object that can be influenced much easier than you think. But, your soul is a tough nut to crack, and actually in older societies and older generations, that nut was even harder, because they were bred and raised that way. Now, it seems that every day is a battle, your psyche the battlefield, your weapons are your resolve and your positive emotion, your attackers are the ones that wish to bring you to your emotional end, along with your physical and intellectual, because as soon as the soul is gone, the other two are cake. Two undefended towers that under that might and that strain, they fall like dominoes.

The reason I write this, is because I am sensing a change in the winds for me. I think all my bad karma, wrongdoings, and horrible, evil thoughts have finally caught up with me. They sit outside my apartment even now, and plan my demise. I just feel like I am changing from the upholder of morality and all that is good, to something else. Even now, as I sit with my small armada of cocktails, I know there is nothing that can save me, nothing can save you from who you truly are. Maybe I was this person all along, and everything from then 'till now was just a facade, and now after a few months of physical, mental, and emotional stress, the shield has finally breached. There was a time when the future for me was something that I woke and embraced, now, it is something that causes an uneasy apprehension in me. Don't interpret me incorrectly: I love my Amanda, and I love my friends. But is it wrong to think that they cannot save me?

I use to take things on faith. I mean scary, zealot like faith. Walking in traffic, seeing how many horrible, damning things I could hurl at myself, and I would still come out smelling of roses and Drakkar. Now is not the case. I use to wake up in the morning and be reborn, the events of yesterday were there, and I could address them accordingly, with restraint and intellect, and find solutions for the issues. Now, my mind is clouded, like the Lake I live so close to. Clouded with doubt and anger, with despair and hate. I don't really know who else to tell, except this God we all call the Internet now. To all of you that have read this, and who have EVER, EVER, felt true evil course thru their veins, felt its pulse, I just want to know that I am not slowly going insane. Because there are times when I feel the floodgates of my rage are being held at bay by the smallest of threads. I know this thread is my faith. Not necessarily my faith in God, but my all encompassing faith that there is some good left hidden in this world, and that it is not time to release the lock yet. Maybe I am crazy, and to all who read this, if you wish to distance yourself from someone whom you thought was a normal, sane human being, I will not fault you for it. So I guess this is it. And this end is so much like everything I encounter now. Pressing, important questions, without any true answers in sight.

-DarkstaR