[ life:revisited 2010 + 1 ]

So, I recently got a speeding ticket, w00t. I was on my way to Culvers for a Butterburger Apocalypse, and I was going 45 in a 30 in a big intersection. Looked over to my right down a small street, and there was the fuzz. As I flew by, I knew, I was fucked, and that feeling is the worst in the world, because in that instant, you know that you are gonna have to deal with the cops. So he pulls out, hits the lights, and I pull into a nice parking lot, to make it easier for the five-oh to read me my rights. And then tase me. Because I like that.

The first thing Mr. Tibbs tells me is that I am on video, so my immediate mental response is to turn around and wave 'Hi Mom!', but I didn't. He asks me how fast I thought I was going, and I told him what everybody tells the cops, like 5-7 mph lower then what I was actually hurtling down the boulevard at. That way you just look stupid, and not like the liar you are. He told me I was doing 46 in a 30, so I said 'ok', because you don't argue with firearms. He then asks for my license and insurance. Here's where my little party goes south. A little backstory, I have had a speeding ticket.....just about every year I have had my license. But I have went to the class, a.k.a. Satan's asshole after buffalo wings, so the ticket wouldn't go on my record. So I figured I was good this time, just another 4 hrs of wanting to hang myself with a cordless phone. Or so I thought.

I get out my license, only to get hit with a mental flashback of earlier this week...... of me throwing out my old insurance card, and NOT getting the new one from inside the house. FUCK. So I act like I am looking around for something that doesn't exist to make me look more pitiful, so maybe he will take it easy on me. I tell him I can't find it, and he goes into SUPER POLICE ROBOT MODE. In his best Robocop voice, he tells me that I now have a mandatory court date to show my proof of insurance(which is on my fucking counter) to a judge, or pay 200 bones. He then writes me the other ticket for 45 in a 30, which I find out you cannot take the class for. Wunderbar. So he writes me the tickets, takes my license(which I am sure has a special reserve box in the Law and Justice Center), and gives me a fucking form that he wants me to send in to the state asking me how the traffic violation stop was performed, and if it was satisfactory. I have not yet sent in this form, because I need to confer with my colleagues over a few pints the best way for me to fill out this piece of toilet tissue.

I respect the police, and I know I was doing something wrong, that I am cool with. But a friggin survey on how the traffic stop was performed? I mean, tell me if its just me, but aren't they kind of asking for abuse here? Well, when I get my response figured out, I will post it for posterity's sake. L8r.

P.S. The dancers are taking a break, they are here Mondays and Wednesdays, don't forget to tip your waitress.

For your viewing pleasure, the Life:Revisited Dancers!!!

Ever wake up and just not feel like yourself? Like just shifted one unit out of phase, not quite different, but not quite the same.

Its weird, I guess I just need some fresh air, a new perspective on what I want to do, but I feel like I have gone to far to truly accept a change. Like I have come to far in my life/job/attitude to change how I do things, but I know a change has to be made. I just can't really find anything to lose myself in, and if you can't escape this world for a little while, then you are destined to be a lunatic. ~sigh~ I feel slightly artistic today, but slightly artistic for me is like Mike Tyson feeling slightly like reciting Shakespeare. It will most likely end in somebody getting thrown a beating. So I guess keep the sharpies away today. Its gorgeous outside, so of course I am cooped up in the office and can see only the slightest sliver of sunlight from the world outside my cube. It taunts me, not because of what I would be doing outside on this sunny afternoon, but because I know that if I was off work in this beautiful weather, I would prolly be watching a movie in my house. Typical me. Hearing people saying how they are leaving early today to do whatever they are going to do because of the weather makes me want to trip them as they walk by. Man, I am a ratty bastard today. I think I will just stop talking now before I hurt someone's feelings. Then I will feel bad, compounding my whole situation/mood. So just stare at the wonderful picture I made. Fuzzy.

I love to read :). From H.P. Lovecraft to Henry David Thoreau, Kurt Vonnegut to Richard A. Knaak, I have read many classics, and also many pop culture phenoms, such as Michael Crichton and Dan Brown. It is the latter that is the subject of this post. I have read all of Dan Brown's books. I was a fan of his style before DaVinci Code was even being advertised as a new release. I read Angels & Demons on a whim in O'Hare Airport, and I enjoyed it. I then read Deception Point and Digital Fortress, both ~ok~ novels, but nothing really in the same ballpark as Angels & Demons. Then I read DaVinci Code. I enjoyed it thoroughly, both for its semi-historical roots, and Brown's ability to draw so many aspects of a story into one point, and not lose anything in the convergence of the storyline. I recommended the book to many other friends, they read it and felt similarly about the work. Then a week or two passed, I moved on to an action novel by Matthew Reilly called Ice Station, and that was that. But apparently I was a little "behind the times".

I don't know how many of my readers (all 3 of them) pay attention to the reaction this book has caused, but its loyal readers and defenders are just this side of fanatics. But also the opposers are in the same boat, so its just another "Battle of the Crazies". Both sides' arguments are most likely logical, but the arguments are resting on one HUGE basic fallacy. IT IS FICTION NOVEL. As much as the conspiracy theorists (which I must digress, I am considered one, but at least I don't wear any foil hats) would love to believe that there are faults in religion's history, we do not know for sure. In addition, as much as the bible thumpers are calling this book heresy and Dan Brown the devil, they don't know how much of the backstory/history of this book is false. So, we are back to knowing jack and shit, and jack left town. I cannot say anything to solve this beast of an argument caused by a fictional work, except to say this book is supposed to be a fictional work, made to entertain the thoughts and exercise the mind, not to be taken as some controversial historical finding, which it seems to have become in the media and pop culture (which is, sadly, sometimes one in the same). This is not a good thing, I would rather see my money and time poured into archaelogical/palentological/liguistical/other-large-word historical research on this subject, but let the fiction writers write fiction, not history books. But that really isn't the issue, at least for me.

My biggest problem is the fact that after this book became such a runaway hit, and controversial topic, everyone thinks that writing on The Knights Templar, or the Holy Grail is now going to be some ground-breaking work that will gain the author the same fame. This is what bothers me about human nature, the propensity for some people to ride other's coat-tails to glory, or in this case, semi-stardom. Now you can't search Amazon without finding some book about religious conspiracy, secret societies, and the like. Also, I think the reason we are so hung up on grail mysteries and religious wrong doing is rooted in current, and semi current events. People losing faith in the Catholic Church, and Tom Cruise parading his Scientological involvement by beating down Oprah (I actually just think he is crazy, I think the Scientologists are really gonna regret signing him up) just to name a few. These societal effects, coupled with all of the incredible, absolute shit whe see on the TV and nightly news, have made other authors just not as inventive on new topics. Everyone is blinded by religious conspiracy, so I guess that they are only part to blame, because religious controversy is one of the only stimuli they are assaulted with. That, along with 9/11, SuperNanny, and Old Navy Commercials is what aspiring writers are given a barrage of if they happen to turn on the tube. I don't know. I am writing this just because I need some refreshment. I would love to see some new idea, some new goal of the American culture other than wiping out terrorism or watching Extreme Home Makeover. But, once again, I have no answers. I wish I could have a conversation with Plato, to get his feel on our society's climate and direction. Somehow I don't think I would like his answers.

Man, just when you think the users cannot possibly get any stupider, when you think, "Self, there cannot be any other people in this world who just cannot fathom that passwords DO NOT WORK when caps lock is on. It would be inconcievable that there is 1 more user after almost 6000 calls in my tenure, I must have somehow made a dent. Today will be different." But then you get into work. Your first call ends up being almost 2 hrs on how to create a powerpoint presentation. That being said, imagine trying to teach a monkey how to do that. That was my first call. It was then I knew, that today would not be easy or fun, but tragic and devastating. Ok think back to high school (and some of you, college) math and trigonometry. Remember the Venn Diagram? Its a diagram that shows the intersection of 2 independant fields of data in a visual format. Usually comprised of 2 circles overlapping and oval in the center. Here is a picture to jog your memory.



So, memories of late teenage mathematics later, that shaded area in the center is the intersection. Don't worry junior, I have a point, and here it is. Imagine A being the amount of stupid users I have. Harmless by themselves, they call on asinine issues, but they are like Sloth, kind and sincere, just stupid. In contrast, B are the assholes. The callers that are intelligent, but complete pricks to talk to, because they think they are of higher position/rank than you, and/or think they-are-your-boss-so-you-do-what-they-say-NOW. They will understand what the Start button is, they just will gripe and moan about how they are so-important, and their- business-depends-on-this-porn-pic-that-I-can't-access, etc, etc.... So. That brings me to the gray area, where the two collide, the absolute worst possible user. The stupid & mean one. Which I have been dealing with all day. Stupid people who don't want to know how to do their job with a computer and are angry that God himself has not come down from the heavens, stopping protecting Earth to unlock his Active Directory account. These people, for me at least, are making me attempt to create a new word, which would be more forceful than then the term: absolute loathing hate. Those users have clogged up my day, and have now made my day much, much longer, by making me look at the clock every 5 minutes. Mother Fucker. Oh yeah, and I scared a pregnant lady at work. God hates me.

So, last night me and the GrrlyGrl were up late, snacking on some delicious toasted waffles (yum), and we were watching the Discovery Channel. I love the Discovery Channel, and I also highly recommend it to anyone who wants to learn something, and also anyone who wants to see the about a million ways our planet can be destroyed in an apocalyptic event. Last night, the culprit was a mega-tsunami, created by a close to a trillion ton landslide from La Palma island, in the Canary Islands region. Its active volcano, Cumbre Vieja, would cause this landslide to break off from the island, and go crashing into the ocean. The resulting wave, as hypothesized by many scientists, would reach as high as 650 meters (thats 2132.55 feet) high, with an initial speed of 720 km/h (.....roughly 448 mph..omfg..). Yeah. Thats right. This wave would then rocket into the open sea towards, yep you guessed it, our east coast. In fact, it would reach us in about 8 hours. After that, we would still experience waves of 50km in height (about 32 ft) and the wave would move about 20km (about 12 miles) inland. Along the entire east coast. Ouch huh! I am just amazed at the dimensions of the disaster, let alone if its going to happen tomorrow. I went to bed amazed, and happy I live in the Midwest, with the New Madrid Faultline. :) Sooooo, at work today, I looked up what else was on the good ole' Discovery Channel, and I found that they should change their name to the Apocalypse Channel. Mega-tsunamis, Hypercanes, firestorms, floods, knives, sharp sticks...looks like Mother Nature is out to get us now. Guess we should have used hemp a little more then trees after all. The naked hippies were right! But in all seriousness, I really don't know what to think about the actual events these shows describe. I am amazed by the destructive power of nature, but honestly, what could we do? Katrina showed that some people we couldn't help, and others wouldn't let us help. If something like this happened, we would have like 6 hours to evacuate an area of roughly 24, 000 miles. Imagine trying to do just New York. New Orleans at least had a day or 2, ya know? I guess we would just go on, but we couldn't blame FEMA or the government of Louisiana, like some people are doing, we would just have to kinda shrug, and try to pick up the pieces I guess. All these shows have proven that as much as we know about technology and science, the movie was right. We don't know jack, and we are still helpless compared to forces of nature. Pretty humbling, huh.