18 September 2006
Had one of those moments last night. I don't know how many people have had these moments, but here's how they go: You just feel like you are walking this line. On one side of the line, everything you are used to, everything that is comfortable. One the other side, the unknown, the possibilities, the possible failures. Basically, its like this. What truly matters in a man's life? What defines him? What makes him not only a man, but someone real? I had this conversation with myself last night, what started as a mental note to strangle my boss to death next time I actually get near him, ended up with me really doing some soul hide-and-seek last night. I wondered if I had done everything wrong.
That burned.
I wondered if I should even be in Information Technology at all, if my problems at my job were not because my boss sucked, but because I was not able to adapt to his management style. Why didn't I try harder in school? Why did I do so many drugs? Has it really cost me my future? What have I lost, and when did I lose it? I mean there are so many people on this little rock hurtling around the giant nuclear fire at the center of our galaxy. Someone has to have had this same conversation. Someone who since they were small, thought they were meant for greatness, not just in the professional world, but in the world as a whole. I'm not even sure what greatness is, it just isn't this. The horrible truth is people fail all the time, people lose, but for the first time last night, I actually contemplated a scary fact. Was I one of those failures? Am I and all of my goals doomed to mediocrity?
Wish I knew. Wish I had an answer for myself. I am not, and at the same time I am whole-heartedly, a religious person. I talked to God last night, I am sure of it. He didn't talk back, because that is what makes those conversations/prayers great. Whenever you have issues like this, your friends try hard to make you feel better. But those attempts are usually in vain. Because nothing they say can truly make you feel better. God however sits in silence, and that, in your minds eye is everything you need to hear. So I guess things are about as ok as they can be after your mind gets in one of those self-emptying moods. I call them self-emptying because you empty the box of your mind on the table, and try to sort through all of its contents, looking for what you think you are missing, the one missing piece of the puzzle that you think will lead to the epiphany that defines you. But that doesn't happen, you are just left with more questions. Nothing ever fits back in the box the same way, so things are forever different in your mind. More uncovered questions. Would a new job really change things? Would going back to school actually change anything? I wish I was a philosopher-king, because then I would have the direction and drive to accomplish all that I think I am capable of. Lets face it, we are all adults here, and there cannot be a world full of astronauts, some people have to wade through others shit. So am I just learning my place? Or should I fight what place I have been pigeon-holed into? I just hope I don't wake up some morning, and all of a sudden I am 40, and still doing this. I think so many people have fallen into complacency with their lives just because it comfortable, and it pays the bills. This brings us full circle, for those of you that already haven't navigated away to YahooGames, to my beginning statements. I leave now to sleep, and hopefully to dream.
"Like the sharp edge of a razor, the sages say, is the path. Narrow it is, and difficult to tread."
That burned.
I wondered if I should even be in Information Technology at all, if my problems at my job were not because my boss sucked, but because I was not able to adapt to his management style. Why didn't I try harder in school? Why did I do so many drugs? Has it really cost me my future? What have I lost, and when did I lose it? I mean there are so many people on this little rock hurtling around the giant nuclear fire at the center of our galaxy. Someone has to have had this same conversation. Someone who since they were small, thought they were meant for greatness, not just in the professional world, but in the world as a whole. I'm not even sure what greatness is, it just isn't this. The horrible truth is people fail all the time, people lose, but for the first time last night, I actually contemplated a scary fact. Was I one of those failures? Am I and all of my goals doomed to mediocrity?
Wish I knew. Wish I had an answer for myself. I am not, and at the same time I am whole-heartedly, a religious person. I talked to God last night, I am sure of it. He didn't talk back, because that is what makes those conversations/prayers great. Whenever you have issues like this, your friends try hard to make you feel better. But those attempts are usually in vain. Because nothing they say can truly make you feel better. God however sits in silence, and that, in your minds eye is everything you need to hear. So I guess things are about as ok as they can be after your mind gets in one of those self-emptying moods. I call them self-emptying because you empty the box of your mind on the table, and try to sort through all of its contents, looking for what you think you are missing, the one missing piece of the puzzle that you think will lead to the epiphany that defines you. But that doesn't happen, you are just left with more questions. Nothing ever fits back in the box the same way, so things are forever different in your mind. More uncovered questions. Would a new job really change things? Would going back to school actually change anything? I wish I was a philosopher-king, because then I would have the direction and drive to accomplish all that I think I am capable of. Lets face it, we are all adults here, and there cannot be a world full of astronauts, some people have to wade through others shit. So am I just learning my place? Or should I fight what place I have been pigeon-holed into? I just hope I don't wake up some morning, and all of a sudden I am 40, and still doing this. I think so many people have fallen into complacency with their lives just because it comfortable, and it pays the bills. This brings us full circle, for those of you that already haven't navigated away to YahooGames, to my beginning statements. I leave now to sleep, and hopefully to dream.
"Like the sharp edge of a razor, the sages say, is the path. Narrow it is, and difficult to tread."
I will not say anything to try and make you feel better - as your blog says is only in vain. What I will say is what I told you last night: You will only fail if you think you fail. You will only fail if you let yourself. I honestly think if you had a better job, one that made you feel success, happiness, goal oriented, upward mobility, personal growth, everything that most people want in their career - their life, you wouldnt be writing this blog posting. But you dont feel that, and you havent yet. One day you will, but until then - try not to give up on yourself. Try not to see yourself as a failure, because only you can change that.
I'll show you a vein alright... No I do agree with the bed bitch. ? You perceive yourself already in the cubs dugout with all the rest of the losers when the game hasn't even been scheduled yet. Unfortunately that is the down side to having a work ethic. You take pride in what you do so much that it eventually defines your purpose on this space orb. ?
And without purpose, well, some of us friggin lose it. Don't be fooled, for this is not advice. I've decided that I'm through giving advice until I take some of my own. I'm just agreeing with the aforementioned comment courtesy of the bed bitch ?..... I really don't get you two sometimes.
-Director Bitch
I know what you mean. . . and I'm tired of the people who say, "Well, at least you have a job."
Don't feel like you fail because you can't adapt to your boss' management style. Who's to say he can manage in the first place? It doesn't mean he can fill the role just because his title says manager. I'm in the same boat as you. I was giving a stack of manuals and told to learn how to use Vmware and then to create virtual servers as fast as possible. I failed a couple of times and started from scratch. The difference here is that my boss is accepting of the fact that I don't know everything, and there will be a learning curve. Your boss on the other hand has no tolerance for development. You either know it now or get yelled at. That doesn't make a good manager. Remember the story about my old boss in college, the guy who kicked boxes of merchandise around and had tempter tantrums like a 3 year old? He was my boss and he sure as hell was a good boss.
You get dissapointed because you feel like you should know everything and you don't. None of us do. We all have to learn as we go, and that's life. Trust me, you'll be better off once you find a job at a place where you can feel good about being there. A place that will at least comp you for your time spent on the road, cheap asses.
Testing a test that is currently being tested.