[ life:revisited 2010 + 1 ]

//drink = multiple whiskey homicides
//mood = indifferent
//weapon of choice = my own hands

Holy shitballs. It took me like 25 minutes to type this, mainly because of my sobriety level. I am not full of my normal ridiculuousness because i am intoxicated. Yay. Going to try to sleep now because I should. Metaphysical things can wait until the morrow.

...aaaaand its the same old song and dance. That's right interweb, L:R is back, new and improved, and still relatively unread. :) A few updates are in order. I am now happily married, with small dog and new place in the burbs, as the City of Chicago's Elite Rat Brigade forced my family out of our squalid 1 bedroom apartment in Lakeview. It was all for the best, as our new digs are much more comfy, larger, and decidedly sans rats. I am going to keep this particular post short, and let some select retards know about my resurgence. If you are reading this, and you can comment, then you are one of them. If you would like to become part of this cadre of morons, please email me at [darkstar_07 (at) hotmail (dot) com.] Adios muchachos, daddy has a whiskey playdate in Central IL. Maybe I will see you there.

"Coke is fucking dead as... dead. Heroin, it's coming back in a big fucking way."
- Eric Stoltz as Lance in 'Pulp Fiction'
--------------------------->
Yep, new blog look, new post style, and I haven't shaved in a week. I don't know if I am coming back as big as the Horse is, but I am on the comeback trail, baby.

Here is the 10 second update: New job, same place, same girl, some new friends, some new enemies, little different outlook. Now here are more notable details:

Started a new job at a HUGE advertising firm, this makes job number 4 for my first year in Chicago. May sound like a lot of jobs to go through, and the reason behind that is....that it is a lot. Working for a consultancy for IT support can take you to all sorts of places, and finally, in about 6 weeks, no more consultancy, no more temping, finally be able to be PERMANENT feels damn nice. Well, this is as permanent as IT jobs can be in today's field. So that is looking up, as much as things in the professional world can look up. Anyone who does peruse this blog, can see that I am all over the map sometimes, emotionally and mentally, especially if I post under the influence. I'm definitely not apologizing, it makes for a good read and makes people think about important things 9 times out of 10. But it paints me as a pretty crazy person. Maybe its painted in the wrong colors or style, but its depiction of me could be right. I'll let others judge for themselves. But, back to life in general, still living in Lakeview, just got done trying to navigate the sea of craziness that was the Pride Parade. All I wanted to do was go throw some disc at the frickin' beach, and enjoy the nice weather, and I had to walk about half a mile out of the way to get to even get there. Anyone who has seen the absolute anarchy the Pride Parade brings will empathize, because they know its like a huge serpent, snaking through multiple streets on the north side, and it cannot be slain, not by any magic sword or talisman you throw at it. Not that I don't support people's celebration of diversity, I just wish that I would have left a little earlier before the leather-clad bouncing boys fired up their Euro dance beat that lasted for 6 hours on the same beat. Oh well, hazards of city life, enjoy.

Well, that is the long and the short of it. I had to change to this new blog look, mainly because being able to add stuff to the sidebar without trying to remember my HTML is neat. Switching to the GoogleMonster's XML is a biatch though, cant do as much customization right now, but the night is young, who knows, maybe I will grow a pair and learn some more web coding. Another good thing on the list, me and the Girlly-que are doing well, haven't beat each other to a pulp that much, after 4 years. Thats more amazing to me then finding gainful employment, mainly because sometimes I think I am totally impossible, and that is coming from someone who has lived with me, well, all my life.

Yep. Nothing but dead things live here. I'm tired of searching for my broken wings. It's probably better that I can't fly anymore, because flying anywhere is just to much of a hassle. And without my wings, I watch as darkness engulfs everything I love. And as my sight fails, I see the end of it all.

I've been living it my way.
I've been living it for myself.
It's the things that you don't say,
about the way that I know you've felt.
Everything right in my eyes.
Two are one and as a whole.
Pour yourself into my life.
I can't feel without your soul.

Say that you'll find no one else.
I pray that you find nothing.
To tarnish the shine on what we've built,
Beneath you and I.
Living our lives
Evergreen.

I've been given the one thing.
I've been given the greatest gift.
I've been sheltered on my way.
Covered by all you give.
Greater good shines in my sky.
I bathe in its precious glow.
Grounded in the heart of life, I've got something that can grow.

Say that you'll find no one else.
I pray that you find nothing.
To tarnish the shine on what we've built,
Beneath you and I....

Not affected by the ever changing world around us.
We're protected by the things we share so deep inside us.
Say that you'll stay.....

We'll stay Evergreen.
Evergreen.

Say that you'll find no one else.
I pray that you find nothing.
To tarnish the shine on what we've built,
Beneath you and I.
Living our lives
Evergreen.

Well. Things have changed since we last conversed. I told the dickhead marine to take a long walk off a short pier, and I got a shiny, brand new job downtown. Same place. Every day. No more rolling around being somebody's bitch. I'll be the first to say that my new job is hard, and the learning curve is more of a vertical line, but my team is top notch, and they are helping me with the stuff I didn't previously know. This is a massive corporate environment, with offices all over the world. So we have to know if their devices work in Japan, in Australia, etc. And some of these users aren't stupid in the tech area, they know how shit works, so that puts a big burden on us not to look stupid when they bring in issues we have never even heard of before. But, like I said, the team is razor, the pay is even better, and the possibilities are currently endless.

It's funny how things worked out though. When I first moved to the city, it was like a desert wasteland in the job market sense, I took the one with the drill sergeant just to make some quick moolah. When I started looking again, same thing, but only for a short while. In the span of about 2 weeks, I had so many calls for jobs, resumes, and interviews, that I had to turn people down. But I got the job I wanted, with the perks, team, and possibilities for the future I was hoping for. But it's going to be a lot more work than what I am used to, more hours, more demands, etc, etc... But I think this is the only way to professional greatness. So I guess I will just keep on going till they fire me. Or promote me. Hah.

Other than that, things have been going well on the other fronts. Got friends that are pregnant, although I never stood the term 'we are pregnant'. The girl is pregnant, and the man is just trying to cope with her craziness. That's how it works. So fuck what you heard. Oh yeah, and I am a movie star now too, James Cameron called me the other day to star in 'Terminator 4: Even Shittier than the 3rd', but I turned him down because he wouldn't let me kick AAaahnold in the groin. I guess James didn't know the governor is a cybernetic organism. Oh well. Here are the links to tha flicks, I am sure you will enjoy, if you already haven't seen them:

~Cleanin House A.K.A The Night of the Living Refrigerators
~My Buddy: The Adventures of a Boy and his Best Buddy

These movies were created and produced by none other than the proprietor of DigitalMoutwash, so you know its always fresh to your family. Well, its about time for me to jet on out, the girlly's male parental unit and I are going to hit up a local Oktoberfest, while the rest of the family goes to see Annie. Yep, I think Russ and I got the big straw somehow. Peeces.

~DarkstaR out.

Had one of those moments last night. I don't know how many people have had these moments, but here's how they go: You just feel like you are walking this line. On one side of the line, everything you are used to, everything that is comfortable. One the other side, the unknown, the possibilities, the possible failures. Basically, its like this. What truly matters in a man's life? What defines him? What makes him not only a man, but someone real? I had this conversation with myself last night, what started as a mental note to strangle my boss to death next time I actually get near him, ended up with me really doing some soul hide-and-seek last night. I wondered if I had done everything wrong.

That burned.

I wondered if I should even be in Information Technology at all, if my problems at my job were not because my boss sucked, but because I was not able to adapt to his management style. Why didn't I try harder in school? Why did I do so many drugs? Has it really cost me my future? What have I lost, and when did I lose it? I mean there are so many people on this little rock hurtling around the giant nuclear fire at the center of our galaxy. Someone has to have had this same conversation. Someone who since they were small, thought they were meant for greatness, not just in the professional world, but in the world as a whole. I'm not even sure what greatness is, it just isn't this. The horrible truth is people fail all the time, people lose, but for the first time last night, I actually contemplated a scary fact. Was I one of those failures? Am I and all of my goals doomed to mediocrity?

Wish I knew. Wish I had an answer for myself. I am not, and at the same time I am whole-heartedly, a religious person. I talked to God last night, I am sure of it. He didn't talk back, because that is what makes those conversations/prayers great. Whenever you have issues like this, your friends try hard to make you feel better. But those attempts are usually in vain. Because nothing they say can truly make you feel better. God however sits in silence, and that, in your minds eye is everything you need to hear. So I guess things are about as ok as they can be after your mind gets in one of those self-emptying moods. I call them self-emptying because you empty the box of your mind on the table, and try to sort through all of its contents, looking for what you think you are missing, the one missing piece of the puzzle that you think will lead to the epiphany that defines you. But that doesn't happen, you are just left with more questions. Nothing ever fits back in the box the same way, so things are forever different in your mind. More uncovered questions. Would a new job really change things? Would going back to school actually change anything? I wish I was a philosopher-king, because then I would have the direction and drive to accomplish all that I think I am capable of. Lets face it, we are all adults here, and there cannot be a world full of astronauts, some people have to wade through others shit. So am I just learning my place? Or should I fight what place I have been pigeon-holed into? I just hope I don't wake up some morning, and all of a sudden I am 40, and still doing this. I think so many people have fallen into complacency with their lives just because it comfortable, and it pays the bills. This brings us full circle, for those of you that already haven't navigated away to YahooGames, to my beginning statements. I leave now to sleep, and hopefully to dream.

"Like the sharp edge of a razor, the sages say, is the path. Narrow it is, and difficult to tread."

Yep, I can finally say I have had a day off. 1st one in 3 months, but better late than never, right? Well, bitching and moaning about my job (and boss) aside, today was filled with CSI, machine rebuilds(mine), data recovery(for a good friend), and hopefully some Star Wars before the night is over (I'm thinking Empire, or maybe Ep. 4, but I dunno), and then I get to start the week over again, but this week is going to be different. I'm sure you are already on the edge of your seat asking why, so...

Its going to be different because the drill sergeant is out of the office this week.

AND he will be in a very limited cell/email communication area.
Oh glorious day.

Yep, so I will finally be able to support people without being scolded like a child when I don't know the answer to a problem right on the spot. So, 4 days of wonderfulness incoming, after a long weekend of seeing my best buddies and getting hammered. Not too shabby kids, not too shabby. But, I do what all people do when you see good stuff coming your way. Instead of thinking of the greatness this week brings, I am thinking about the week when the boss comes back. Why you ask? Because I'm human, and pessimistic. And I'm sure that week will be full of criticism and grammatically horrible emails filled to the brim with what I did wrong last week. So looks like I had better pick up some scotch when the paycheck clears. But that is next week, so I need to live it up this week, break out the maraccas and conga in the server room.

Well, I am gonna close this one up with a request from my loyal readers. I am really jonesing for some new, good movies. Theater, rent, download, whatever, just give me some suggestions for some good flicks. Enjoy. :)